30 Days...And How Do You Feel About That?

It struck me today at work...today is April 22. One month from today is my surgery. 30 days from now, at this time, I'll be in my room in the intensive care unit. I don't know how I'll be feeling, whom I'll be allowed to see, or what the next 48 hours will hold for me. But I do know one thing...30 days from now, I'll be holding firm to the belief that my life will have just changed.

I've done my best to be as strong as possible for everyone. In the coming month, that strength is going to have to increase, as I still have to share with my boys at work that I'm going to be leaving for a month. I don't know how they'll react, but I know that there is going to be challenges ahead for all of us.

I feel like I've done a decent job being strong. I'm far from perfect at it, but I feel like decent can be ok sometimes. I've only had one big break down. While that is often seen as a sign of strength, I whole-heartedly believe that there is just as much strength in the process of breaking down. In allowing your feelings to show. I try to tell that to my boys...maybe I should practice what I preach?

There's a word I've been trying to eliminate from my vocabulary lately..."should." I keep telling myself that I should be strong. I should be the rock for everyone else. I should wait until I'm alone to break down.

No.

I tell everyone I know that being their genuine self is perfect. That it's ok to be real and to have feelings and to share those feelings. Right now, my genuine self is scared. And I need to tell myself that it's ok to be scared. This is a big deal.

So how do I feel? Scared. Anxious. Sad sometimes. But richly blessed and ready for this new chapter. Maybe even ready to chow down on a corn dog because it's time for me to enjoy more at this amusement park than just the tilt-a-whirl.