It's a Trip...

...Not the good kind, either. Not the kind where you pack your bag weeks in advance because you're so excited to go. Or the one that you brag about on Facebook through pictures and status updates that passively rub it in people's faces that you're doing something awesome and they're not. No, it's the kind where your heart hurts a little and your stomach is in knots. It's the guilt trip.

As I'm preparing to transition out of work in less than two weeks, I'm dealing with way more guilt than I ever expected to. It's only a month that I'll be away, but little did I know that there were a lot of things happening in that month.

As I left work yesterday, I had someone ask me to speak at their graduation, which I always take as an honor (and I try to make sure that they know I feel that way). With a lump in my throat, I asked when it was. As fate would have it, it's over the month that I'm gone. As are two other graduations that I would love to be at.

Driving home today, I found myself thinking about letting people down. I thought about how much it sucks and how much we, as a society, value the needs of others over our own. It's not true of everyone by any means, but maybe I just see it more in my field.

Am I letting people down by taking this time to heal? More than likely, yes. But if I don't utilize this time to take care of myself, what could happen? In all reality, the future let down could be one hundred times worse. To my clients, to my family, and to myself.

Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe it's self-care. Maybe it's just complete exhaustion. All I know is this...

For the past seven years, I've hidden what I go through. I don't want pity or sympathy so I don't share what I'm feeling. In doing all of that, I've let myself down.

The take away from this blog post shouldn't be that I'm asking for sympathy or that I'm throwing a pity party for myself. In fact, it's the exact opposite. I'm taking a stand for myself. I'm telling the world that I have vertigo and sometimes it can be really hard to deal with. But I'm going to take care of myself and let everyone else know that it's ok to do that. To show your scars and your hidden hurts so that they can heal. To take care of yourself.

My name is Shannon and I have Superior Semicircular Canal Dehiscence. But I'm going to get better. I'm going to get off the tilt-a-whirl and discover other things about the amusement park. I'm going to enjoy cotton candy, take in the view from the top of the ferris wheel, ride a roller coaster, and, at the end of the day, leave with the knowledge that I'm the best version of me.